If you follow me on Twitter ( @StrawbSoufWed), you might have caught a few frustrated tweets over the Easter weekend, when I received an email from my last bridesmaid to say she was quitting. This was the woman who I'd been friends with for fourteen years, and now she wanted nothing more to do with me because we differed in our ideas of what made a good wedding. Despite sending several lengthy emails back, I never did get to the bottom of what was going on, but the stark fact was that both the people I'd originally picked to be my bridesmaids had now thrown in the towel, leaving me with a wedding party of exactly 0.
I'll admit I found the experience rather hurtful. It's not pleasant to be told you don't merit support and companionship on your wedding day. I'm lucky to have a great relationship with my mum, and I know she will help me a lot on the wedding morning, but it would have been lovely to have my friend there too - not only to crack a joke and ease my nerves, but because I wanted to share the most special day of my life with her. The events of the past weekend got me thinking, though, about how we brides go about choosing our bridesmaids, and what the bridesmaid role itself entails.
Traditionally, bridesmaids were needed to confuse evil spirits who might wish to curse or hurt the bride on the wedding day. This led to them wearing white so that the spirits might mistake one of them for the bride. They were usually chosen from unwed women of a marriageable age. The size of the wedding party would be carefully calculated to show off the family's wealth and status. Nowadays, of course, the bride can choose whomever she wants, but will usually pick her close friends, sisters, or future sisters-in-law.
Besides the straightforward business of actually attending the wedding, what duties are bridesmaids expected to perform? Contrary to popular belief, there is no right or wrong answer to this question, and the role of the bridesmaid is as unique as the wedding she is a part of. However, the responsibilities of the role, and especially the associated costs, are the most common bone of contention amongst modern brides and their bridesmaids. At the most basic level, bridesmaids will need to support the bride on the wedding day, from helping her get ready in the morning to holding all those layers of wedding dress when she uses the loo, but beyond this the term "support" can mean all manner of things. It's no wonder that some bridesmaids approach the role with an aura of trepidation (we've all seen photos of truly hideous bridesmaids dresses), or decline the invitation altogether.
In terms of what bridesmaids might be asked to wear, there is a lot more choice available now, which should banish fears of that maroon monstrosity that haunts most girls' nightmares. The Dessy Group, for example, have bridesmaid dresses in every colour and style imaginable. High street stores such as Monsson, Coast, or Next have great selections of formal gowns. The new service from Maids to Measure even lets your bridesmaids design their own dress! Even with all these options, you still might be presented with a dress that makes you cringe, and the following advice could be helpful. If the bride herself is paying for the bridesmaid dresses, it is courteous to just grin and bear the dress you're given, and remember that you can put her in something horrible at your own wedding. If the bride has asked you to pay for your own dress, however, you should be given more say in what you wear. It's still polite to try and find some common ground - perhaps the length of the dress could be changed, or the shade of colour altered a little. Most brides will appreciate if you voice your concerns in advance rather than refusing to wear the dress on the day itself, but ultimately you need to remember that the happiness of your friend or sister on her wedding day is more important than your opinion of a dress you'll only wear once.
Brides need to remember that the cost of some bridesmaid dress can run into the hundreds of pounds, and that not all of your bridesmaids will be able to afford this expense. It is possible to find some great budget-friendly dresses on the high street or via websites such as Girls of Elegance. An alternative might be to pick a colour palette and then ask your bridesmaids to choose their own dresses, allowing them to find styles and prices that suit. You could also consider splitting the cost of the dress, or paying for other things such as shoes or jewelry. Ultimately it's worth asking yourself if that £300 dress is more important than having your best friends with you on the day.
Another cause of arguments between brides and bridesmaids are the number of pre-wedding events the bridesmaid might be asked to attend. Along with the hen night, there can be bridal dress shopping, spa days, rehearsal dinners, and general get-togethers or parties. Whilst these can undoubtedly be fun, the cost of attending can really pile up, especially if your bridesmaids live far away from the venue or are attending multiple weddings in the same year. Before organising such events, the bride should ask herself if she could afford to go were she to swop places with her maids. If your answer begins with "ummm", it's best to keep the pre-wedding events to a minimum. If your bridesmaids are planning your hen night, it's a good idea to tell them the sort of thing you would or wouldn't enjoy to avoid nasty surprises, and don't expect them to automatically book a lavish weekend in a different country.
I've read some interesting guides to picking your bridesmaids, where the bridesmaids' duties on the wedding day itself run for pages and pages. The main thing to remember about your wedding day is that, whilst your bridesmaids will want to help you, they are not your staff. Anyone invited to a wedding - including bridesmaids - will want to enjoy themselves, and they shouldn't keep having to check that things are running smoothly. If you really need someone to make sure the caterer has arrived or that the DJ plays your favourite song, it's a good idea to hire a wedding planner or co-ordinator for the day. If a bridesmaid offers to help by baking your wedding cake or making place cards, let her do so - it's her way of showing she cares, and will give a wonderful, personal touch to the decorations. Don't, however, give your maids huge tasks such as "find a photographer" - they won't know where to begin or what you would want, and will end up confused and resentful.
On the other hand, a good bridesmaid will know to help the bride with her make-up or with getting into her dress on the morning, and know when to provide the friendly hug to allay those pre-wedding nerves. They'll know not to get drunk, or try and pull the best man. They'll understand that this is your wedding, not theirs, and you are allowed to make the day look and feel the way you want. They can be relied on to smile at all the right times, and to even give a reading during the ceremony. A good bridesmaid then, on your wedding day, is like a good friend during any other day; trustworthy and dependable.
Weddings can sadly bring out the worst in people, and friendship-ending disagreements between bride and bridesmaid are more common that you might think. The secret to getting the best out of the relationship really comes down to compromise. Every bride will have things that are non-negotiable, but also things which are not so important. A bridesmaid disliking the length of her dress, for example, is a very different problem from one trying to change the whole style of your wedding. Picking the right people is obviously important, and most arguments can be solved with tact and a cup of tea, but some bridesmaids will turn out to be so unreliable that you'd be better off losing them altogether. As you can tell from the post above, there's no easy or firm guide to choosing bridesmaids or being one. The best way to handle the role is to, unlike my own bridesmaids, behave like an adult!
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